MyEmoHeart

Don’t go away.

I’m begging you to stay.

I’m so alone.

Broke my own heart,

Yesterday.

I cannot breathe.

Just a shadow in the haze.

I’m over me.

Can’t seem to act my own age.

I let you go.

But you kept on coming back to me.

I loved you so.

But we never could seem to agree.

And so above.

And so below.

When push comes to shove, 

We all know.

That we were both,

Figments,

Of each other’s ,

Imaginations. 

Feel the heaven

Feel the earth

Feel the distance

Feel the mirth

Feel amusement 

Rising in your soul

Feel deception

Creeping

Breaking the mold

Feel confusion

Substance

Abused

Feel delusion

Broken

Pursued 

Feel 

Feel

Feel

If you must

Feel

Feel

Feel

Trust

I think you’re overrated 

And I’m 

Just 

Understated

I dance around trying to 

Let go

And keeping you

As the greatest love

I could ever know

I’m haunted by how much 

I love you

So let me know

How is it that

I get over you?

I’m tired of how fake

Everyone is

But I’m just a child

Of what fakeness is

I’m tired of feeling this way

Who am I today?

What role am I going to play?

It’s easier to just fade away

And I know nothing 

I say 

Ever makes sense

But who really cares

You never gave me a chance

I’m tired of constantly searching

Of constantly

Hurting 

It all seems to be a conspiracy

Against my true self

Against the inner me

You know you need to be stronger

But you don’t think

You can hold on

Much longer

But I just need to get out of my head

I’ve lost so much of me

In everyone else

That I no longer no who I am

Now I’m struggling 

To find

What I can

So I sit here 

Alone at night

Wishing to be filled with 

Light

Wishing that I could be

The type of person who 

Didn’t want to always be

Alone

Somewhere along the line I lost all of my passion for everything I once had a passion for.

Some could call it a depression… really it was just that I was focusing all of my attention and “passion” on, what else, boys, (and they were really boys… not men).

I would say from about the age of nine to twenty two, I was pretty much focused on being the independent career woman my parent’s always raised me to be. To never rely on a man for anything… you know, still having (safe) trysts, but not really falling into the whole get married/have a baby/give up my career ideation that was created so long ago by the generations before us.

And then, sadly, it did happen to me.

After a very long few years in a relationship full of ups and downs, (including an engagement, an abortion, losing and gaining money, breaking up then getting back together, breaking up then getting back together, breaking up then getting back together… etc., etc.)…

I found myself where any divorcée who went into a marriage either before she had time to pave her way in her career or who gave up everything to be in the marriage.

I soon realized I was ahead of the curve though! But that’s beyond the point here…

I found myself facing the same issue that a lot of women in my age range, (21-30), are facing nowadays.

Primarily that we have to be both a career lady and a wife/mom.

Well, we don’t necessarily have to be… but, in reality, yes we do.

We have to somehow do everything and be everything to everyone.

And a lot of us just cannot fathom how to do this. (Where do you think the mounting amounts of anxiety and divorces are coming from…)?

We find ourselves nearing our quarter life seemingly stuck…

…Without a career and without a relationship, yet placing ever increasing amounts of pressure on ourselves to fulfill both roles.

Because, what kind of modern day woman would we be if we couldn’t do everything?

Whether it was the Disney movies where the prince comes to rescue the princess and they lived happily ever after stories or the fact that society still pressures women to get married and have children before the age of, say about, twenty-seven… I, as so many others I have spoken to throughout the months, feel this push to have a stable relationship (meaning that relationship will lead to marriage),… and also to have him take care of us in certain ways, (like the money, and the career… but not the children or the house).

Yet, at the same time, we women have been raised to also be independent, (at least in some ways).

We can further our education, be the bread winner, travel the world… but then once we commit to someone, we have to hand over all of those luxuries to our future person, (mind you all of my perspectives come from a single, white, middle class, female… so I’d be interested to hear other people’s points of view)!

There’s this constant push/pull within and without… a certain judgment that is still contained within our society and within ourselves. A contradiction of sorts, (which should be the name of my future memoir). It’s kind of like, “Be self sufficient.” “You don’t need a man to take care of you.” “Be an independent lady.”

At the same time…

“What’s wrong with her… she’s almost thirty and hasn’t been in a stable relationship for years. Doesn’t she want to get married? Doesn’t she want children? She’s going to end up alone with a bunch of cats…”

And this is the dilemma of the modern day lady.

So what shall we do?

As many of us have gone along the path of higher education, yet to throw it all away when we seemingly had found “the one”, (living up to those Disney fantasies here), only to break up and find ourselves with no stable career, no job, no relationship, and living back home with our parents and just have absolutely no idea what it is we want to do with ourselves…

Are we paving the way for future generations?

Are we reshaping what it means to be a modern day woman?

That some of us just don’t want to be married or have children?

That some of us don’t want a career instead want to live like a 1950’s housewife, (no judgments here, I promise you)!

That some of us want both?

Or some of us want none of the above?

I feel like there is a rebellion going on… that none of us like to fit into a category.

We have grown up so much believing that we are all important and special, thus making it hard for us to compromise, (which was key element in the demise of my prior relationship).

I believe this “me” focus has made it so we are unable to truly commit for any length of time to anything… yet, at the same time we are rewriting the rules.

We are rewriting the rules on relationships of all kinds.

We are making careers under our own terms.

We are living life more under our own terms and questioning things even more so than usual.

Thus starting a revolution in a way, I feel.

So what does it mean to you to be a person living in our modern day world, (man or lady)?

What pressures do you feel?

Do you feel utterly lost and confused?

Are you stuck?

What do you think?

With love always from MyEmoHeart

**I suggest reading “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert for a funny insight into relationships and marriage throughout history!

**This post was inspired by the wonderful book, “Quiet” by Susan Cain

I often find that it is a struggle to get through the day without needing to retreat more and more into my own world.

I find that sometimes anything and everything is too much.

I get angry, anxious, upset.

I find it difficult to be around anyone and could really care less to be around people most of the time.

I’d rather wake up alone, without any form of technology turned on, and just read a book.

Everything else is just too stimulating.

I can truly say that I could spend 99.9 % of my time in solitude. 

Doesn’t mean I want to be lonely.

I just like to be alone.

And this is true for most introverted people.

No, I am not shy by any means! Well, I can be sometimes.

By introverted, I mean those of us who need to spend a vast majority of time alone to unwind, create, etc. Who are more comfortable away from the stimulation of the outer world, the fast-pacedness, the constant noise.

Those of us who are more apt to observe and then speak. Who enjoy the company of one or two close friends or relatives as opposed to being friends with the whole universe.

You could be a shy introvert, but you could be a shy extrovert too! 

I am often finding myself way too over stimulated, trying to be an extroverted introvert in this highly extroverted universe.

And boy, is it draining!

To be someone who always has to be promoting oneself, competing, doing things, pushing, pushing, pushing… that is just totally not how I work.

And it makes me question. How many of us really are those kind of people who can just always be on? 

How many of us enjoy teamwork, constant interaction with others, competition, and so on?

I wonder why we put so much emphasis on doing instead of not doing… I mean, don’t you just relish that “quiet time” you find here and there to recharge?

Wouldn’t we have a lower incidence of disease, sickness, disorders, and other ailments if we were taught at a young how to self-reflect and how to truly feel our emotions?

I believe that true intelligence is not how much more you know than another about something, but how quiet and reflective you can be.

Teaching children meditative technique at a young age, (in whatever form that may be for them), might help to lower outbursts or temper tantrums, as well as illness, and would help to groom a more introspective adult. Yes, kids are kids, so they need to be silly too!

Introverts should not be condemned as being quiet or shy. Just as  perhaps being a little more reflective. Besides, enough with the stigmas… that’s so yesterday!

But this is not a post against extroverts by any means! 

As always, balance is needed. A balanced world where introverts could do their thing and extroverts could do theirs, but somehow met in the middle?

That’d be awesome.

Because I’m definitely done living under someone else’s rules.

Now would you just be quiet and give me some space!!

Looking within from MyEmoHeart

(Source: facebook.com)