MyEmoHeart

I used to see my ability to feel everything as a burden.

As a disability, if you will.

Okay, I still do most of the time.

But I am beginning to see why I am the way I am.

You can’t make yourself different than you are.

So, you have to learn to love yourself.

And that’s what yoga has been helping me to learn.

Everyone is a certain way for a reason.

And everyone is beautiful just the way they are.

We may have deep, ugly emotions that continue to disable us from seeing the beauty of reality.

But once we begin to embrace the good with bad, the highs with the lows, the pain with the happiness, a wonderful feeling of oneness and peace begins to come over you.

But just as soon as we realize this, we often fall back into that deep, dark hole of utter despair.

So, we must pick ourselves back up and try, try again.

If you know me, you know that I am a perfectionist.

And, that I am also used to getting my way.

Well, life has really turned everything upside down for me.

But the only constant is yoga.

The only thing that keeps me grounded and sane is making myself practice.

And I learn something new about myself every single time I choose to go within.

Dark emotions seem to plague me more often than not, disabling me from my truth and from seeing clearly.

I have always wanted to work in the entertainment industry, mostly as a performer, and have tried unsuccessfully for many years to get somewhere.

What I didn’t notice is how much stress everything surrounding that notion has given me.

So I decided to focus on Durga, the mother goddess, asking her to help me let go of things no longer serving me, to help me realize my power as a woman, to help me let go of addiction, and to see what is true within my heart.

Essentially I heard that I need to let go of ego. I need to be okay with what is. I need to enjoy and let go. I need to focus on yoga and everything else I want will come… to just be patient.

And this answer has come to me time and time again.

I’ve found it a struggle to be a true yogi because I am young. I still have  a lot to learn. I have an eating disorder that rears it’s nasty head every day in some way, I am addicted to many things and people, I like to drink and I don’t necessarily pay attention to how or what I eat, or say recycle anything. 

But it’s all about finding the balance.

It’s not about beating myself up, yet again for not being perfect.

What is perfect anyways?!

So as I try to balance my need to be creative with my calling as a yogi, I will try to let go and find that balance within and without. 

Even if it takes me my whole life to learn.

Surrendering the past from MyEmoHeart

My eyes blister with the light

I call on Durga

But no insight, no insight

Who am I

What am I to become

It seems like I am lost

And I am the only one

I have no direction

No purpose

No use

Living life

Hating myself

My only excuse

Haunted by words 

And thoughts in my head

It’s any wonder how 

I rise from my bed

I try to see the light 

In every day

But my confusion 

Is helping to draw

The light away

So I collect souls

And slowly become 

The demon

Addicted to love 

Always 

Seething

My heart

No longer beating

I think you’re overrated 

And I’m 

Just 

Understated

I dance around trying to 

Let go

And keeping you

As the greatest love

I could ever know

I’m haunted by how much 

I love you

So let me know

How is it that

I get over you?

I’m tired of how fake

Everyone is

But I’m just a child

Of what fakeness is

I’m tired of feeling this way

Who am I today?

What role am I going to play?

It’s easier to just fade away

And I know nothing 

I say 

Ever makes sense

But who really cares

You never gave me a chance

I’m tired of constantly searching

Of constantly

Hurting 

It all seems to be a conspiracy

Against my true self

Against the inner me

You know you need to be stronger

But you don’t think

You can hold on

Much longer

But I just need to get out of my head

I’ve lost so much of me

In everyone else

That I no longer no who I am

Now I’m struggling 

To find

What I can

So I sit here 

Alone at night

Wishing to be filled with 

Light

Wishing that I could be

The type of person who 

Didn’t want to always be

Alone

I keep on waiting for your call 

But I know that 

Won’t happen

At all

I keep wishing 

You knew 

How much 

I want to 

Be with you

I don’t wanna know anymore else but you

You say words are just words

But there is so much that I’ve shown to you

Was I too blind to see

The hints you were giving me?

I think I’ve had enough

Of this misery

I’m ready for you

To come back to me

Maybe I need to move on

Maybe I’m just tipsy

But I want you

And I know you want me

And maybe writing

Helps to silence the pain

But I’m done

Playing games

I want to be yours

And I want you as mine

I’ll be your girl

It’d be such a crime

Everything works 

So easily

So I don’t know

What you can’t see

I know you love her

But why not me?

I wish I could back off

I’ve dated a few

But no one else

Can compare to you

You get under my skin

In the worst kind of way

But there is no one else 

Who can make my day

I know it’s only fear

That keeps you from committing

But what is life

Without the living?

I know you feel it

I see you do

When I look in your eyes

They always say

I’m in love with you

I know I’ve made mistakes

You’ve seen them all

You’ve captured my love

Just as you’ve captured my fall

So what else can I do?

What else can I say?

I will venture into the unknown

Just for you, every day

 

And if this heart beats

Of nothing more true

I will live forever

Loving only you

We are dreamers 

We have we seen

A broken love

A broken dream

We sit alone

As we escape

The bitter love

That went to waste

I don’t wanna wake up

Alone again

But I know no man

Can please me like I can

For some reason

I’m still stuck on you

I don’t know what to do

With myself

I’m lost without you

I miss you

I’m in love with you

I wish I didn’t

But I do

My mind conspires against me

When my heart knows the truth

I battle my beauty

But uphold my youth

You didn’t believe

That I’d die for you

I’m sorry my darling

That’s the only thing I knew

Looking into your eyes

Always made a smile

Appear on my face

But I got sloppy

And now I’m in a  bitter race

And all I want 

Is to walk across the sand

Gaze into your bright blue eyes

Hand holding hand

You get so sick and tired 

Of the hole that can’t be mired 

Searching for peace, in any one thing

But find you only fall deeper, into sinking

I don’t know why

I make it so easy 

For you to come back

Into my heart

Why is it so easy?

Maybe I hold out hope 

That you have changed

That you won’t keep on playing 

The same old games

I don’t wanna let you back into my life

But I don’t know how to live without you

If I let you go, I know it’d be such a better life

But I don’t know who to be without you

So let go

That’s all you need to know

But somehow it never works out

Just let go

Get into the flow

I don’t know how

This all came about

I’m falling apart

I’ve broken my heart once again

I relied on you

But what else could I do?

I could never win

 

I think you never realized 

How much I gave to you

I gave up my life 

To be in love with you

 

I teeter at the edge 

Of crazed insanity

Craving your love 

As the only remedy

I got caught up

In a love that didn’t exist

But that doesn’t mean

The feelings don’t still persist

The fool behind this pen

Has a heart full of gold

Swore she’d never sell out

But her heart she always sold

It was a shot in the dark

To give you my heart

Knowing you could take it or break it

Apart

I fell in love so easily

I guess I was too blind to see

How broken we were

How we could never be

How you didn’t want

To ever really love me

Well, it happened.

Yet again.

I broke down.

I fell apart.

I freaked out.

I got so angry and frustrated at myself that I messed up my cookies and I wasn’t prepared that I almost hurt something… someone… myself.

What followed?

I told myself I wasn’t good anything.

I told myself I never do anything right.

My obsessive compulsiveness got so amazingly excessive that I just fell apart.

I was and am driving myself crazy with the counting and the needing to be perfect and do everything right and do things a certain way or at certain time.

I ended up just surrendering right there on the floor.

I was exhausted.

I curled up into a ball and decided I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I couldn’t hold everything in.

I couldn’t have my fears, anxieties, worries consume me anymore.

I mean, literally, it has come to the point where I have cut off all communication with certain people or things because of this.

At that moment I was so consumed with being perfect, I just decided enough was enough.

Time to turn over a new leaf.

I have been trying to break this OCD habit for a very long time.

I have done therapy.

All different kinds of it.

Yoga, mediation, acupuncture  talk therapy, dance therapy… wine/booze/liquor, therapy… oh wait, that’s not a therapy!

Basically, the point is that I’ve been through a lot of the therapies.

But none of it will work until you are willing to make the change.

I know that this isn’t something that, once I know, will disappear forever.

I think because I am working so voraciously on healing the inside, everything is coming out that I’ve been hiding.

You know the theory that everything gets worse before it gets better?

It’s very true.

But being aware of the signs of nearing break down potential, knowing  my stressors, knowing when to say no, knowing when to slow down… these are all ways of taking care of myself and helping to elude a break down.

No one said I am there yet.

Far from it.

But it’s all about the letting go.

Just ask anyone who has lived life.

Nothing is fun unless you live a little and let go.

You don’t have to be perfect.

You just have to surrender and let yourself see that everything is okay and always will be.

Just let go.

Feeling so-so,

From MyEmoHeart