MyEmoHeart

Somewhere along the line I lost all of my passion for everything I once had a passion for.

Some could call it a depression… really it was just that I was focusing all of my attention and “passion” on, what else, boys, (and they were really boys… not men).

I would say from about the age of nine to twenty two, I was pretty much focused on being the independent career woman my parent’s always raised me to be. To never rely on a man for anything… you know, still having (safe) trysts, but not really falling into the whole get married/have a baby/give up my career ideation that was created so long ago by the generations before us.

And then, sadly, it did happen to me.

After a very long few years in a relationship full of ups and downs, (including an engagement, an abortion, losing and gaining money, breaking up then getting back together, breaking up then getting back together, breaking up then getting back together… etc., etc.)…

I found myself where any divorcée who went into a marriage either before she had time to pave her way in her career or who gave up everything to be in the marriage.

I soon realized I was ahead of the curve though! But that’s beyond the point here…

I found myself facing the same issue that a lot of women in my age range, (21-30), are facing nowadays.

Primarily that we have to be both a career lady and a wife/mom.

Well, we don’t necessarily have to be… but, in reality, yes we do.

We have to somehow do everything and be everything to everyone.

And a lot of us just cannot fathom how to do this. (Where do you think the mounting amounts of anxiety and divorces are coming from…)?

We find ourselves nearing our quarter life seemingly stuck…

…Without a career and without a relationship, yet placing ever increasing amounts of pressure on ourselves to fulfill both roles.

Because, what kind of modern day woman would we be if we couldn’t do everything?

Whether it was the Disney movies where the prince comes to rescue the princess and they lived happily ever after stories or the fact that society still pressures women to get married and have children before the age of, say about, twenty-seven… I, as so many others I have spoken to throughout the months, feel this push to have a stable relationship (meaning that relationship will lead to marriage),… and also to have him take care of us in certain ways, (like the money, and the career… but not the children or the house).

Yet, at the same time, we women have been raised to also be independent, (at least in some ways).

We can further our education, be the bread winner, travel the world… but then once we commit to someone, we have to hand over all of those luxuries to our future person, (mind you all of my perspectives come from a single, white, middle class, female… so I’d be interested to hear other people’s points of view)!

There’s this constant push/pull within and without… a certain judgment that is still contained within our society and within ourselves. A contradiction of sorts, (which should be the name of my future memoir). It’s kind of like, “Be self sufficient.” “You don’t need a man to take care of you.” “Be an independent lady.”

At the same time…

“What’s wrong with her… she’s almost thirty and hasn’t been in a stable relationship for years. Doesn’t she want to get married? Doesn’t she want children? She’s going to end up alone with a bunch of cats…”

And this is the dilemma of the modern day lady.

So what shall we do?

As many of us have gone along the path of higher education, yet to throw it all away when we seemingly had found “the one”, (living up to those Disney fantasies here), only to break up and find ourselves with no stable career, no job, no relationship, and living back home with our parents and just have absolutely no idea what it is we want to do with ourselves…

Are we paving the way for future generations?

Are we reshaping what it means to be a modern day woman?

That some of us just don’t want to be married or have children?

That some of us don’t want a career instead want to live like a 1950’s housewife, (no judgments here, I promise you)!

That some of us want both?

Or some of us want none of the above?

I feel like there is a rebellion going on… that none of us like to fit into a category.

We have grown up so much believing that we are all important and special, thus making it hard for us to compromise, (which was key element in the demise of my prior relationship).

I believe this “me” focus has made it so we are unable to truly commit for any length of time to anything… yet, at the same time we are rewriting the rules.

We are rewriting the rules on relationships of all kinds.

We are making careers under our own terms.

We are living life more under our own terms and questioning things even more so than usual.

Thus starting a revolution in a way, I feel.

So what does it mean to you to be a person living in our modern day world, (man or lady)?

What pressures do you feel?

Do you feel utterly lost and confused?

Are you stuck?

What do you think?

With love always from MyEmoHeart

**I suggest reading “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert for a funny insight into relationships and marriage throughout history!

**This post was inspired by the wonderful book, “Quiet” by Susan Cain

I often find that it is a struggle to get through the day without needing to retreat more and more into my own world.

I find that sometimes anything and everything is too much.

I get angry, anxious, upset.

I find it difficult to be around anyone and could really care less to be around people most of the time.

I’d rather wake up alone, without any form of technology turned on, and just read a book.

Everything else is just too stimulating.

I can truly say that I could spend 99.9 % of my time in solitude. 

Doesn’t mean I want to be lonely.

I just like to be alone.

And this is true for most introverted people.

No, I am not shy by any means! Well, I can be sometimes.

By introverted, I mean those of us who need to spend a vast majority of time alone to unwind, create, etc. Who are more comfortable away from the stimulation of the outer world, the fast-pacedness, the constant noise.

Those of us who are more apt to observe and then speak. Who enjoy the company of one or two close friends or relatives as opposed to being friends with the whole universe.

You could be a shy introvert, but you could be a shy extrovert too! 

I am often finding myself way too over stimulated, trying to be an extroverted introvert in this highly extroverted universe.

And boy, is it draining!

To be someone who always has to be promoting oneself, competing, doing things, pushing, pushing, pushing… that is just totally not how I work.

And it makes me question. How many of us really are those kind of people who can just always be on? 

How many of us enjoy teamwork, constant interaction with others, competition, and so on?

I wonder why we put so much emphasis on doing instead of not doing… I mean, don’t you just relish that “quiet time” you find here and there to recharge?

Wouldn’t we have a lower incidence of disease, sickness, disorders, and other ailments if we were taught at a young how to self-reflect and how to truly feel our emotions?

I believe that true intelligence is not how much more you know than another about something, but how quiet and reflective you can be.

Teaching children meditative technique at a young age, (in whatever form that may be for them), might help to lower outbursts or temper tantrums, as well as illness, and would help to groom a more introspective adult. Yes, kids are kids, so they need to be silly too!

Introverts should not be condemned as being quiet or shy. Just as  perhaps being a little more reflective. Besides, enough with the stigmas… that’s so yesterday!

But this is not a post against extroverts by any means! 

As always, balance is needed. A balanced world where introverts could do their thing and extroverts could do theirs, but somehow met in the middle?

That’d be awesome.

Because I’m definitely done living under someone else’s rules.

Now would you just be quiet and give me some space!!

Looking within from MyEmoHeart

(Source: facebook.com)

It feels like I’ve been going through my quarter life crisis for about ten plus years now…

Everyday sitting on Craigslist, hoping to find, at this point, a job that will just allow me to make some money so that I can maybe see a movie or go out for coffee when I’d like.

At twenty four years old, (almost twenty five, yikes, the real quarter life!), I’ve yet again found myself living with my parents, jobless, and feeling hopeless about whether or not I will ever find any kind of profession that my suit my mercurial self.

I have thought I wanted to help others via the therapy route because I’m just so good at listening and everyone says that they feel like they can be their true self around me.

I have wanted to be an actress/singer/model/director/writer and spent lots of money trying to do all those…unsuccessfully.

I have wanted to be a chef/restaurant owner/speakeasy owner, and then changed my mind, again.

I have spent many a years babysitting up a storm, but honestly, I don’t really want to watch another kid in my life unless it is my own!

And let’s face it, I’m not the type that can work the normal 9-5, sit in an office all day, wear a lady suit, or do things for other people…

But, the thing is, I have been spending (wasting?) my time trying to do the socially acceptable thing, when in reality, what I really have to do is listen to my heart!

Listen to the real me… the one who says to me everyday, “Keyra, you can do ANYTHING you want. You can have your own business. You can wake up everyday and be happy. You can create your own future. You are strong and powerful!”

And then, last night, something clicked.

I’ve been waiting for that moment (some may call it the, “Aha moment”), which I’ve had very few of in life, where everything stops, you are directly in the moment, your heart is filled with love, and you just feel right. 

And that happened last night!

Having been pleading to the universe for what seems like a lifetime to show me what my calling is, the universe finally opened up and answered, (or maybe I was just ready to listen).

Anyways, after having a wonderful yoga/meditation/discussion session with some friends and family, I found that my calling is centered around teaching yoga and helping others open their heart/come to realizations about their own truth.

Elation abounds!!!!!

I just felt right. I felt good. I felt like I was helping others and didn’t need anything in return. 

It just happened.

And, damn, did it feel good!

Now, the question remains, how to follow this with focus (one-pointedness)?

Is this where my yoga training comes into effect? The notion of complete devotion, one-pointedness, patience, and the like? 

And, as someone who has a very, kinda, not open root chakra (meaning I have money issues), how do I go about this whole entrepreneur route? 

Asking myself all these questions… this email then popped up from Positively Positive in my inbox this morning, Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Entrepreneur , by the lovely new fave of mine, Selena Soo.

And I feel like the universe, yet again, is giving me building blocks to grow into the wonderfully beautiful young lady that I already am and am on the journey of finding once again!

How wonderful!

Now if I can just remember to stop getting caught up in the doing, and get more caught up in the being… :)

Wealthy in love from MyEmoHeart

(Source: facebook.com)

Ever do something, knowing inherently that it’s wrong?

Yeah, well, I’ve been doing a lot of that lately! 

Like say, being bored, but going out with someone to fill the time AND because they will pay for things for you…

Money has not been a strong point of mine these last few months.

As well as not being able to get a job.

Or keep a job.

Or keep any money… because I’m bored… so what else am I supposed to do???!!!

It really has become a vicious, vicious, circle.

And I’m still bored.

And with a little less money everytime.

Especially since it seems my lying ways have just recently walked me into a lovely parking ticket!

That’s when I knew the universe was saying to me…

“Hey, lady! Listen up! You’re not valuing yourself or others! YOU are worth it! So stop using someone else to show you your worth and value… and hey, just to stick it to you, here’s a parking ticket…”

Needless to say, I didn’t react the way I should’ve after receiving this ticket.

But we needen’t get into that!

These last few months have been quite the rollercoaster, to say the least.

And, it has been said that you will repeat a lesson over and over again until it’s learned.

Lemme just tell ya, that is a fact!

Because it seems I am repeating things a lot and a lot more frequently.

Whether it is my money issues, the way I undervalue myself and put myself down, how I give too much of myself to others and too easily, how I am in love with the notion of love and put everything before that, how I eat or drink away my emotions, how I look at everything from a negative perspective rather than a positive…

It all comes back to how I see and value myself.

And, from what I have both heard and most recently learned, what you put out into the universe is what you shall receive. 

For instance, if you worry that you are going to become fat from having infrequent cookie binges… you probably will have more frequent cookie binges from worrying about getting fat from your infrequent cookie binges, thus leading to the impending doom of weight gain.

Kinda like, what you ask for, you shall receive!!!

Yeah, the universe is powerful like that!

So, for my future days, it’s all about learning lessons that I have been avoiding and facing things and/or people/feelings that I have been avoiding.

It’s about committing myself more to my practices of yoga and mediation and being okay with sitting with my powerful and not so scary emotions.

It’s about seeing myself for the wonderful person I am who makes A LOT of mistakes, but who always learns and grows from them… eventually!

It’s about instilling a more positive attitude and thought pattern, seeing that the world is a lovely place and not something to dread whenever I wake up.

And, as always my Love Rebel’s, it’s about love!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas, baby, from MyEmoHeart xoxo

(Source: facebook.com)