Ego is a bitch.
It sucks living in it.
Give me a cigarette. Some whisky,
You’re too skinny.
I éat like it’s my job.
But I’m anorexic.
So watch what you say.
I’ll eat your words true.
Last night, while catching up on the latest episodes of Girls among my hectic and quite stressful schedule, I had quite the revelation.
It’s quite disconcerting to always have realized something your whole life. But then sometimes you have an “aha” moment when you realize it in it’s full capacity.
In the most recent of episodes of the HBO show, Hannah, (Lena Dunham), shows us a whole other side of herself.
Hannah revealed that she suffers from disabling OCD.
Many of us get stressed out.
Many of us do very unhealthy things because of this stress.
And some of us do unhealthy things while counting it. (I find myself counting to eight… much like Hannah…).
I’ve always joked about my mom’s OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Heck, we use that term so freely in my house, it’s just the norm.
So, I guess I never really thought twice about it. It was normal for the way I acted. It’s quite normal in society too. (Although most people don’t know that I measure/count how much I eat, count how many times I wash myself, count how many times I put on deodorant, etc., etc.).
Is the world really going to end if I put deodorant on my left armpit 63 times and my right 64? Probably not.
And it wouldn’t end if I put it on less. Or if I ate a little more or a little less than my prescribed okay count for the day. (And other things that I am too embarrassed to admit that I do…).
What is behind this OCD?
Extreme fear that I will smell bad if I don’t put deodorant on in counts of eight.
Extreme fear that I will become fat if I eat more than a certain amount at one time.
I even fear that I will get diabetes because I think I eat too much sugar.
Everything is based around fear.
So, while watching Girls, I finally saw how bad my OCD had become.
I cannot sleep at night because my mind is constantly going on and on about something I should be worrying about.
My relationships with other people are failing because of this OCD.
What causes this?
A lot is heredity for me.
Most is stress.
I am constantly putting myself down for being a twenty-four year old who lives at home with her parents again and whose main source of income is babysitting (which hardly pays for me to eat, let alone live by myself).
I wonder what the hell I am doing with myself and where I’m going?
I wonder if I’ll end up a lowlife for the rest of my life?
I just can’t figure anything out.
So it becomes a vicious circle.
I get stressed out.
Then I eat too much.
Then I get stressed out from eating too much.
So I don’t eat.
Then I start counting even more incessantly (because sometimes it calms down, but it never goes away).
I work out harder.
I drink more.
I become more distant.
The depression grows.
And then I just find myself back where I don’t want to be.
So my question is, how to stop it?
I’ve always been a highly anxious person.
I’m even a yoga teacher for heaven’s sake!
I mediate three times a day!
I try to do things that calm me down and relax me, but I never can relax!
I want things to change, but don’t know how to change them.
I want to be working toward something, but don’t know what!
So I pull out my eyebrows/eyelashes…
I scratch myself…
And do other unhealthy things.
I’ve been through therapy.
I do all the things that are supposed to be healthy ways of releasing my anxiety…
…but none of it is ever enough.
It drives me crazy!!
I don’t know what to do anymore.
But I do know that I am ready for change…
Just like you from MyEmoHeart
So here I am at a crossroads trying to not eat the whole container of cookies… Again (a little while later, I did).
So frustrated with how everything is and wanting to eat away my feelings. It’s the same old story.
They say, “No, you can’t do what you are passionate about. You are not good enough.”
So, I believe them.
And it eats me alive.
And I eat my feelings away because I have nowhere to place them.
It seems I always try to sabotage myself, but, I am so afraid of taking a risk.
So, inevitably, I am stuck.
And no one can help me but myself.
I feel so disgusted with myself, so I literally make myself sick.
I feel so poorly about the way I look that I make myself feel ugly physically.
Approval seeking is just not pretty! Having self confidence is.
What you read on this blog is something that is happening in real time. It is a girl trying to find her way and be true to herself in a very disapproving world. This is my dairy into which you get to see personally what I struggle with on a daily basis. I just have so much passion and not the right outlets for my passion.
And I believe too much of what other people tell me, and not what I feel in my heart.
I know I am not conventional in the ways I “should” be… But, I wouldn’t want to be.
However, it is awfully scary to step out and be yourself when you always need approval.
It is hard to take a risk when you are so accustomed to living a certain lifestyle and afraid of the unknown.
But, fear is necessary in order to grow in any way.
So is letting go.
So let’s do this!!
I believe in me.
Do you believe in you?
Self approvingly yours from MyEmoHeart
One topic that is near and dear to my heart is that of self-harm and mental/emotional/physical health.
Whether this be in the form of an eating disorder, depression, cutting, thoughts of suicide, alcoholism, drug use, etc., etc., I devote my life to bringing awareness to this subject as well as aiding those who are in this boat.
I have been there.
It is something I deal with every day.
I really do understand.
I’m not kidding, I really do understand.
Know that there is always someone that cares.
Even if you feel nobody does.
You are worth it.
You do matter.
You are perfect just the way you are and do not need to change anything!!!!
Believe in yourself.
You can achieve whatever you set your mind to.
Live life fully and forget what other people are saying.
Take a risk.
I love you all.
I am here for you, no matter what.
Compassionately yours from MyEmoHeart
Check out this awesome group!!!!
To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA)
This is so sad. We have to break this cycle.
Not smarter. Not nicer. Not better people. Not a scientist or an engineer or a teacher or a mother. Just thinner.
We as a society have to remember that when we see ads on TV saying ‘LOSE 10 LBS N 10 DAYS!’ ‘GET RID OF THAT UGLY FAT!’ ‘TAKE THESE DIET PILLS!’, our children are seeing them too.
When you’re complaining about how ‘fat’ you look in the mirror, your little sister or brother, your son or daughter, your cousin, the child you babysit, sees it. And they internalize it. It starts them on a LIFETIME of being obsessed with body image. They’re actually MORE likely to become obese because of hyper-awareness of body image and constantly feeling like they’re not good enough. They’re MORE likely to end up with an eating disorder.
It has to stop.
I have been so excited lately that, since the beginning of this year, I have eaten every meal every day and haven’t skipped or “forgotten” to eat.
I know this isn’t a long length of time, but it is a huge achievement for me as of late!
And then, the other, as a celebration to my achievement, I let myself indulge a little bit.
Overwhelming anxiety ensued!!!
I completely started to freak out because I had eaten more than what I would’ve like to.
A full on panic attack came over me and I started to become short with others and freak out about everything; what meal I was going to skip, how I was just going to eat very little for the next few days, how intensely I would have to work out, etc. Not to mention, OCD to the max!
And then I did something quite out of character. Something that I had not made the choice to do in a long time.
I took a deep breath and chose not to listen to my thoughts.
And, I chose not to skip eating a meal.
Though I had anxiety the next day about gaining weight because I didn’t skip due to my perceived “overeating” debacle, I made sure to notice when my anxieties arose, and to simply let them go as well as I could.
It is not worth my time (or yours) to worry. To worry about being perfect; being the skinniest, the prettiest, the best dressed, the richest, the most popular, what have you.
It is worth our time to enjoy ourselves and let go of anxiety and worry.
The energy that we hold within ourselves is the energy that we draw without ourselves.
For me, mediaiting, clearing my chakras, doing yoga and other things that enable my creativity ( “me” time), have all been essential in my wholly new found energy. But do what works for you!
And, I’ve really gotten tired of being a slave to my thoughts, feeling bad, being moody, and not eating!! I love food!
And besides, I would rather be happy and healthy than skinny and moody!
Peace, Love and Namaste from MyEmoHeart dolls!!!!