Last night, while catching up on the latest episodes of Girls among my hectic and quite stressful schedule, I had quite the revelation.
It’s quite disconcerting to always have realized something your whole life. But then sometimes you have an “aha” moment when you realize it in it’s full capacity.
In the most recent of episodes of the HBO show, Hannah, (Lena Dunham), shows us a whole other side of herself.
Hannah revealed that she suffers from disabling OCD.
Many of us get stressed out.
Many of us do very unhealthy things because of this stress.
And some of us do unhealthy things while counting it. (I find myself counting to eight… much like Hannah…).
I’ve always joked about my mom’s OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Heck, we use that term so freely in my house, it’s just the norm.
So, I guess I never really thought twice about it. It was normal for the way I acted. It’s quite normal in society too. (Although most people don’t know that I measure/count how much I eat, count how many times I wash myself, count how many times I put on deodorant, etc., etc.).
Is the world really going to end if I put deodorant on my left armpit 63 times and my right 64? Probably not.
And it wouldn’t end if I put it on less. Or if I ate a little more or a little less than my prescribed okay count for the day. (And other things that I am too embarrassed to admit that I do…).
What is behind this OCD?
Extreme fear that I will smell bad if I don’t put deodorant on in counts of eight.
Extreme fear that I will become fat if I eat more than a certain amount at one time.
I even fear that I will get diabetes because I think I eat too much sugar.
Everything is based around fear.
So, while watching Girls, I finally saw how bad my OCD had become.
I cannot sleep at night because my mind is constantly going on and on about something I should be worrying about.
My relationships with other people are failing because of this OCD.
What causes this?
A lot is heredity for me.
Most is stress.
I am constantly putting myself down for being a twenty-four year old who lives at home with her parents again and whose main source of income is babysitting (which hardly pays for me to eat, let alone live by myself).
I wonder what the hell I am doing with myself and where I’m going?
I wonder if I’ll end up a lowlife for the rest of my life?
I just can’t figure anything out.
So it becomes a vicious circle.
I get stressed out.
Then I eat too much.
Then I get stressed out from eating too much.
So I don’t eat.
Then I start counting even more incessantly (because sometimes it calms down, but it never goes away).
I work out harder.
I drink more.
I become more distant.
The depression grows.
And then I just find myself back where I don’t want to be.
So my question is, how to stop it?
I’ve always been a highly anxious person.
I’m even a yoga teacher for heaven’s sake!
I mediate three times a day!
I try to do things that calm me down and relax me, but I never can relax!
I want things to change, but don’t know how to change them.
I want to be working toward something, but don’t know what!
So I pull out my eyebrows/eyelashes…
I scratch myself…
And do other unhealthy things.
I’ve been through therapy.
I do all the things that are supposed to be healthy ways of releasing my anxiety…
…but none of it is ever enough.
It drives me crazy!!
I don’t know what to do anymore.
But I do know that I am ready for change…
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