MyEmoHeart

“One of my pet peeves about the personal growth industry is the emphasis placed on consistently making only positive changes. The expectation is that over time as we do more work, we gradually and continuously “get better” (whatever “better” means). So when we feel like we are not moving forward and have even taken a few steps backwards, we doubt our progress.

Please don’t torture yourself by buying into the misunderstanding that your growth needs to be straight up. That’s a lot of pressure - and also not possible. Growth is more fluid. And over time the lows (or perceived backtracking) we experience become shorter in duration and the length of time in between them becomes longer. I drew this picture for you to illustrate what I am talking about:

The human experience is about contrast and sometimes the best way we learn is when we take a few steps that feel backwards.  Often when we have a big “aha” so much to the extent that we feel transformed, the Universe delivers a situation that feels very similar to past experiences. Often people get frustrated and think, “This again? I thought I learned this already!” That may be accurate; you may have learned the lesson and now you have an opportunity to practice the learning so that you can fully integrate it. I give some examples of this in today’s video.

If you feel like you are backtracking in your own behavior, choices, or feelings rest assured you are not flunking life. You learned from my UPdate last week that only about 95% of our processing power is conscious so there is a lot of subconscious programming that you are working through. Your so-called issues and programmed responses got implemented decades ago so it may take some time before you totally shift something. So if you find yourself slipping into old habits, reactions, behaviors or choices that you thought were behind you, cut yourself some slack.

Growth is a process not an event. You can’t upgrade yourself like you do your iPhone.

When you perceive yourself taking steps backwards, that does not mean change is not occurring. You may take ten steps forward and then eight steps back. But the next time you will take eleven steps forward and only seven steps back. You are making progress!! And forgive yourself! This is super duper important. Nothing will hold you back more than judging yourself and allowing your inner critic to have its way with you. Immediately say to yourself, “I forgive myself for judging myself for back-tracking. I’m doing the best I can.” Then re-commit to your vision and intentions, recognize what you are learning, and keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Fondly,

Christine

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”-Steve Jobs

“Well, you know when you’re rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That’s how I feel all the time.” Stephen Wright”

Let’s face it.  Life is full of surprises that aren’t always the kind we would wish for.  What makes these unexpected, unwanted surprises even harder to accept is our attachment to the way we expected things to go. This particular brand of discomfort – the kind fueled by a life drunk with expectations and the resulting crash from failing to meet them – is profoundly sobering and uncomfortable.  I call it an Expectation Hangover® which I define as: “The myriad of undesirable feelings or thoughts present when one or a combination of the following things occurs:

-       A desired result does not occur

-       Things don’t turn out like you though they would or wanted them to

-       You are unable to meet your personal and/or professional expectations

-       An undesired, unexpected event occurs that is in conflict with what we want or planned.”

The symptoms are similar, but far more miserable and lasting, to those caused by a hangover from alcohol: lethargy, depression, lack of motivation, confusion, denial, anger, poor work performance, diminished creativity, strained relationships, social withdrawal, low self-esteem, regret and a disconnection from the Uni-verse.

When our expectations are met, we feel a sense of accomplishment and pride. Often risking little, we feel safe, in control and on-track.  Achieving our goals is intoxicating and we are compelled forward towards them, sometimes disregarding our underlying motivations (which often come from our ego). We don’t like the unknown and we cling to our plans like a road map instead of allowing our inner knowing and the Uni-verse to lead us.

While striving for goals has value, holding expectations and attachment to the way life “should” go sets the stage for disappointment.

Disappointment. Uh oh. Most of don’t like it when the Uni-verse seems to miss the memo on how we think things should be. But the truth is the Uni-verse doesn’t miss anything. We are the ones who are missing out when we do not seek out the lessons from Expectation Hangovers.

When we keep fighting for what we think we want, never slowing down enough to actually learn the lesson that our Expectation Hangover is attempting to teach, it is impossible to clarify what we truly want andneed. We’re too drunk with expectations to notice when we are headed in the wrong direction.

The result?  We continue to wake up with Expectation Hangovers: A career path that was planned and executed with precision becomes tainted with doubt and lackluster.  A relationship with “the one” suddenly becomes the one thing we can’t get right. A salary or promotion that was counted on is not a reality. A home that was dreamt about still remains a fantasy. A pregnancy that is wished for isn’t happening. A parent who we could always lean on suddenly isn’t there anymore.  A lover or spouse leaves.  An illness interrupts our life.  A job and the financial security that came with it is gone.

And then there are the Expectation Hangovers that are more spiritual in nature when we start to realize that although we have checked off everything on our life checklist, there is still lack of fulfillment.  This is a pretty direct call from the Uni-verse that it’s time to wake up.

So what do you do? How do you treat Expectation Hangovers? It takes a lot more than two aspirin, some greasy food and staying inside with the lights low.  There are no “quick fixes” for an Expectation Hangover, but because we don’t like not feeling good, we look for an external way to ease the discomfort.  Rebound relationships, abrupt career changes or miscalculated risks, addictions (drinking, gambling, sex, drugs, work, shopping) and numbing oneself with prescription drugs are common.  Slamming the door shuts out our ability to see any light at all.  We lose faith and sink into the quick sand of victimhood and hopelessness.

But if we slam the door on an Expectation Hangover, we miss out on walking through a doorway of transformation!

Often life has to throw us a curveball (or several) so that we look in a different direction.  The problem becomes when we desperately try to dodge the curveball, attempting to get out of feeling uncomfortable, and we miss the lessons that are available to us.  If things are not turning out like you had planned or want them to, that is actually really good news. The Uni-verse has a BETTER idea in store. But first you have to let go of the plan you have been attached to so that your Higher Self and the Uni-verse can conspire for you.

Instead of thinking about how to treat an Expectation Hangover, consider how you can LEVERAGE it.  Ask, “What am I learning?” rather than “Why is this happening?”  Keep you mind out of judgment, regret and shoulda/coulda/woulda thinking.  Remember, you did the best you could. You didn’t do anything wrong.  Your worth and value are not attached to anything or anyone external.  Security from any outside source is an illusion – your ultimate “safety” is in Love. And control is really over-rated…surrender is much sweeter.

Think about some of the most inspirational people you know.  I guarantee you that part of what makes them so inspirational are the Expectation Hangovers they have been through.  They leveraged their hangovers for their growth and learning. Instead of trying to snooze through the alarm of disappointment, they woke up!

Your Expectation Hangovers are gifts.  Each one has been an opportunity to let go of something external that you have clung to for worth, safety or Love.  I really get that disappointment is not at the top of your wish list. However, if you learn how to respond to Expectation Hangovers from the perspective of a student rather than a sufferer, I 100% guarantee you will walk through doorways of transformation that will lead you to more Love.

Love,

Christine

Come meet me at Tadasana Festival where I will be speaking on Expectation Hangovers and joining Mastin on the Daily Love Panel!! Get all the info here: http://www.tadasanafestival.com/lineup/christine-hassler I’d LOVE to see you there!

Christine Hassler, M.A. Author – Speaker – Life Coach www.christinehassler.com/ I’d really like it if you “liked” my Facebook fan page: http://www.facebook.com/twentysomethingtwentyeverything Huffington Post Columnist: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-hassler/

# # #

Christine Hassler is an author, speaker, life coach and spiritual counselor dedicated to helping people answer the questions who am I, what do I want and how do I get it? You can check out her website here: http://www.christinehassler.com/.

(Source: thedailylove.com)

Are you concerned about what other people think of you? Do you often make decisions based on what you think will please others? Does your sense of self-worth come from the approval of others? Do you often withhold from sharing what you truly want, think or feel because of fear it may upset someone? Are you often last on your list of priorities? Are you constantly seeking approval and validation from outside sources?

Believe me, you are not alone. Our egos love to be liked, approved and validated.  It is natural to want to fit in and not “upset others” because it feels safer. All it takes is one small experience of feeling criticized, not liked, thinking we’ve upset someone, or getting tons of praise and validation for making others happy to develop people pleasing as a bad habit.

People pleasing is a terrible investment because it depletes your most valuable resources: your time and energy.   Just think about how much energy you waste by obsessing about what other people think of you. Add up all time you lose by engaging and taking actions that are 100% motivated to please someone else and you’ll see how people pleasing may have become a part-time (or even full-time) job!

Clarification: I am all for being a considerate person, choosing loving actions and being of service.  It feels wonderful to love others! But being and acting from love is NOT people pleasing.  People pleasing is different because there is an attachment to someone else’s reaction and/or a motivation to please in order to avoid an undesired negative response or judgment or get a positive one. Trying to please others is not only a bad investment, it also moves you further and further away from the truth of who you are because you are contorting yourself in order to appease others.

You may think being a people pleaser makes you a “good” person and is perhaps even a generous or loving way to be.  But I strongly disagree. From my point of view it’s selfish to be a people pleaser.  Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about you.  You are the one who wants to be liked. You are the one who does not want to upset anyone.  You are the one who wants to look good for others. You are the one who is not okay with other people’s reactions. You are the one protecting yourself from confrontation.  And you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you TRULY are. And by doing all of those things, you are keeping Yourself, your Light and your Love from the world – and that is selfish.

Remember this: what other people think of you is none of your business. Obsessing about how to please others or be liked is a misuse of your energy.

Just imagine for a moment what you could create in your life if you even took HALF of the time and energy you invest in people pleasing back? Think of the time you’d have to brainstorm about your career, getting your finances in order or nurturing your relationships.  Consider the energy you’d have to spend on your creative endeavors and overall well-being. And realize the amount of focus you could direct back toward your relationship with yourself and with the Uni-verse.  See yourself now reclaiming all that time and energy you expend on being over-responsible for others or working to impress others and refocus it on being of service without attachment, sharing your gifts, taking care of you and expressing your true Self!!!

Trust me, when you do that you will have an overflow from which to give from and you will be able to give without attachment or expectation.  That is why on airplanes they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself BEFORE you go to help someone else.

People pleasing is selfish – be self-honoring instead.

And remember…

No one else determines your worth.

No one else can dictate what you deserve.

Other people’s reactions, responses and feelings are not your responsibility.

Someone else’s opinion of you is not the Truth.

Your value does not come from how others perceive you.

What other people think of you is none of your business. YOUR business is between you and your Self and you and the Uni-verse.

Have the courage to stop fearing what other people think of you, your choices, and their reactions.  That fear is stopping you from being you and the greatest gift we truly give others is when we share authentically from our heart. And the interesting thing is that the more you like yourself, the more pleasing you will be to other people.

With love,
Christine

# # #

Christine Hassler is an author, speaker, life coach and spiritual counselor dedicated to helping people answer the questions who am I, what do I want and how do I get it? You can check out her website here: http://www.christinehassler.com/