I used to see my ability to feel everything as a burden.
As a disability, if you will.
Okay, I still do most of the time.
But I am beginning to see why I am the way I am.
You can’t make yourself different than you are.
So, you have to learn to love yourself.
And that’s what yoga has been helping me to learn.
Everyone is a certain way for a reason.
And everyone is beautiful just the way they are.
We may have deep, ugly emotions that continue to disable us from seeing the beauty of reality.
But once we begin to embrace the good with bad, the highs with the lows, the pain with the happiness, a wonderful feeling of oneness and peace begins to come over you.
But just as soon as we realize this, we often fall back into that deep, dark hole of utter despair.
So, we must pick ourselves back up and try, try again.
If you know me, you know that I am a perfectionist.
And, that I am also used to getting my way.
Well, life has really turned everything upside down for me.
But the only constant is yoga.
The only thing that keeps me grounded and sane is making myself practice.
And I learn something new about myself every single time I choose to go within.
Dark emotions seem to plague me more often than not, disabling me from my truth and from seeing clearly.
I have always wanted to work in the entertainment industry, mostly as a performer, and have tried unsuccessfully for many years to get somewhere.
What I didn’t notice is how much stress everything surrounding that notion has given me.
So I decided to focus on Durga, the mother goddess, asking her to help me let go of things no longer serving me, to help me realize my power as a woman, to help me let go of addiction, and to see what is true within my heart.
Essentially I heard that I need to let go of ego. I need to be okay with what is. I need to enjoy and let go. I need to focus on yoga and everything else I want will come… to just be patient.
And this answer has come to me time and time again.
I’ve found it a struggle to be a true yogi because I am young. I still have a lot to learn. I have an eating disorder that rears it’s nasty head every day in some way, I am addicted to many things and people, I like to drink and I don’t necessarily pay attention to how or what I eat, or say recycle anything.
But it’s all about finding the balance.
It’s not about beating myself up, yet again for not being perfect.
What is perfect anyways?!
So as I try to balance my need to be creative with my calling as a yogi, I will try to let go and find that balance within and without.
Even if it takes me my whole life to learn.
Surrendering the past from MyEmoHeart